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Five Things You Must Do Before You Die

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The world is full of bucket lists. These are articles that tell you how to max out on your life should you be diagnosed with terminal cancer. Being told you’re going to die ain’t fun, so you’d better make the most of the current event before you hit the bucket.

Hence, people climb the Kilimanjaro, ooh at the sight of the Taj Mahal and dance the Samba in Rio in their underpants.

After that, they’re broke. They won’t be able to pay rent, let alone pain medication for their cancer. Death becomes them painfully, miserably curled up in the ditch, cursing the bucket list that sent them there.

As fancy as bucket lists seem, a lot of people simply can’t afford the luxury of extensive travel across the globe. Much less only so that they can say they did it to feel better about an impending death.

It bears to keep in mind that people have been dying for hundreds of thousands of years, too, without much of a brouhaha about it. I doubt many of them considered visiting the last mammoth before Og smashes his skull in.

But that’s beside the point. You know you’re going to die, and you’re broke off you hiney. What are the affordable thrills you never cared to experience but abolutely must, before, you know, darkness embraces you in its cold, terrifying grip like a pair of wet socks?

Drive on the wrong side of the road

This gets the blood pumping. You’ll feel truly alive when other automobilists steer clear, honk and curse at your very being. The oncoming traffic on the M5 freeway isn’t too bad, either.

It is not necessary to travel to one of those oddball countries where it is required to drive on the wrong side of the road. Just get in your car, fasten the seatbelt and go.

If you don’t drive, you can always imagine public transport drives on the wrong side of the road and try catch a bus facing the wrong way at the local bus stop.

Loot garbage bins for food

Tried and tested, and it works. Imagine how you’ll feel when faced with a half-devoured chocolate fudge brownie at the coffee shop bin. It was thrown away by a neurotic woman who bought it in a moment of weakness. Then she threw the other half away in disgust before vomiting in her handbag. Her inner torment is your heaven. Life doesn’t get any better than that. Not to mention that chocolate fudge brownies can cost as much as $7 apiece. Isn’t that great?

You can also hunt local farmers’ markets and other highbrow snobby hippie community market stalls every Saturday after closing time. You’ll experience life like never before at the sight of the edible goods left behind. I heard organic produce is good for you, too.

Some businesses do not appreciate looters. You might face high fences and security dogs. High risks come with  high rewards, though, like a box of candy bars. Besides, what is one Mastiff bite in the face of a melanoma?

Which brings us to

(Re)Start smoking

Yeah. Smoking kills. So does a terminal disease. Which one is more rewarding? A friend of mine caught melanoma, and a rather malignant one at that. He was diagnosed one week after having stopped smoking for good after a lifetime habit.

I don’t have to tell you what he reckoned. A certain death by the end of the month is cruel, but the bitch is not going to get you. Bear it out by laughing in its face.

It must be noted that smoking isn’t cheap. To the contrary, cigarettes are rather expensive, and becoming more expensive by the day, depending on how the Government is managing the depth of its coffers. Yet most people I know who smoke are piss-poor. That is interesting. Perhaps you can contemplate this paradox during your next ciggie break.

Drink your own piss

You cannot say you have truly lived life until you’ve tasted the warm amber liquid filtered to you by your own kidneys. All you need is a cup. Buy a cheap disposable plastic cup if you can’t face soiling your favourite morning porcelain for ever. You might also consider peeing in a bucket to keep with the theme.

Drinking your own piss is one of those true thrills only a brave few can fathom. But you’re going to die now so there’s no time left wondering if you’re one of them or not. Tasting the salty bitterness will make you feel interconnected, humble, and question your sanity, all at once. It is life brought to you, by you.

Read an enjoyable book

You can borrow books for free at libraries. If you don’t have a street address necessary to become a member and read at home that you don’t have, you can loiter about and read an enjoyable book for free anyway. Libraries are warm, and tidy.

Remember, though, to read an enjoyable book. Not a good book, or a recommended book, or a Penguin Classic, or something tedious and mind-numbingly boring written by French post-modernists. Those are only useful insofar you want to tell your friends you enjoy literature.

Enjoyable books nourish your inner child with content such as body odour, sex, naked bodies and filth – something like Fifty Ways to Fart with Your Friends.

Even better, they usually contain fewer words in larger print and quite a few pictures. This way does it not only take less time to read one, but they make you smile and giggle. Smiling and giggling makes you feel good. You can only feel good while alive.

 

Written by M

June 13, 2014 at 4:30 pm

A Farewell to Facebook

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It’s Facebook’s tenth birthday today. Several media are marking the occasion by offering analyses, histories, comments, future predictions and the like. With its one-billion-and-almost-a-quarter users worldwide and advertising revenue second only to Google, Facebook is way ahead of other social networks and unquestionably the leader of the pack. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by M

February 4, 2014 at 1:04 pm

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Why Men Don’t Like Yoga

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Word has it men don’t like yoga. This is no wonder. Yoga commonly occurs as part of a mind-boggling lifestyle that encompasses breathing, a nutrient-filled diet, and detoxifying cleanses to lift the tired spirit to another level. It represents many a thing an average man doesn’t wish to become associated with: tight outfits, vegetables, the downward dog. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by M

December 1, 2013 at 2:27 pm

Posted in Women's Woes

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Finland in November

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I recently spent a week in Finland in November. The trip from Sun-scorched Sydney took a total of 22 hours and some eight or nine time zones. I spent the time comfortably stretched out over several seats in an almost empty airliner. I abused the complimentary drinks while watching a documentary about a mad British rock legend that made me snort and giggle. I fell asleep and woke up a few hours later with a sore head, feeling sorry for myself. Then it was time for the next almost empty airliner.

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Written by M

November 19, 2013 at 6:44 pm

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Fatty, I Hate You

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There are two types people on this planet: fat people and not-fat people. While these two may, at the first sight, appear to be mutually exclusive, they exist on a spectrum. It is entirely possible to travel from one end to the other, but it bears to note that this system is asymmetrical. It is much more common for a not-fat individual to trespass the gates to the land of lard than for a fat person to spontaneously turn into a shriveled-up shrimp. Why this should be the case is a mystery of the 21st century. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by M

November 9, 2013 at 5:58 pm

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Talk to Me, Bikini

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People love to communicate. We express ourselves to our surroundings in words and gestures, and we expect others to reciprocate. This is because humans evolved in small tribes where sharing data and making oneself known with everyone was crucial for survival. If you didn’t smile and grunt to Og, he might have taken you for an enemy. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by M

August 31, 2012 at 11:35 am

The Average Of Seven-Oh

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As of 2012 the average Australian woman weighs 70kg. This tidbit caused a bit of a stir due to Australian women’s deep-seated yearning to conform to the average, despite the odd boastful claim to the contrary. Average’s where it’s at which is why simple metrics such as the scales are very important in today’s society. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by M

July 22, 2012 at 11:19 am

Posted in Women's Woes

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